I’m trying to work on the sequel to Three Lives of Peter Novak. The year is 1919. Boys are returning from war and Katie has just been jailed for protesting for women’s right to vote. Wait. A glitch occurs in my word processor. Hope I don’t lose everything I’ve written. I need help. Let me see if my work is backed up on the cloud.
I admit it. I’m a technological Barbarian. I pine for the days when the telephone was hooked to the wall, when the operator said, “Number please…” and for the automated voice crowed, “You’re three minutes are up, please signal when through.”
To the issues at hand…
“Enter your username.” (username entered)
“Enter your password.” (password entered)
“Try again.” (password retyped. Must have mistyped)
“Try again.” (I’m sure I did it right. Re-retype password)
“Please go to iamstupidandforgotmypassword.com” (go there)
“Type in your username” (big sigh as I type in my username)
“Password” (try three different versions of the password. None works)
“You have been locked out. Call customer support.”
(Blood pressure continues to rise)
No customer support phone number provided. Must look up number on internet.
“We’re sorry, all agents are busy. Please stay on the line and the next AVAILABLE agent will be with you shortly.”
I hope so. I would not want the next UNAVAILABLE agent. Am I getting a little pissy?
The worst possible music (did I actually call that music?) blended with louder static shatters eardrum.
Turn down phone volume at the same time static/music cacophony seems to disappear. Increase volume just a tad and screeching involuntarily returns to max. Reduce phone volume again.
25 minutes later, Still listening to screech/static.
35 minutes. Ditto.
45 minutes. About to hang up phone when voice appears. “Hallo. Dis is Suji Bajaj. I am here to serve you.”
“What? Can you repeat? I did not understand you.”
“What is your full name please?”
“What?? Can you speak a little more slowly?”
“The fee for technical support is $50. Please have your credit card ready.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“My name is Suji. How are you doing today? I am here to help you. What is de prob….”
I’ve just been disconnected.